Hello to anyone who follows my blog and please accept my apologies for the last few months of not blogging. I really need to spend just 15 minutes a day to write something, so this is day 1 and here I go:
I have had the great fortune to reconnect with friends that I have not seen or talked to since school days. One of these friends, Cindy, is just the same as I remember her in her mannerisms, voice and eye contact. She is brilliant, funny and truly listens when you talk. I decided to start my blog with Cindy because we have been going for coffee here and there and she has been very interested in my Chronic Lyme as I have been in her agoraphobia and anxiety. She is a consistent writer and blogger and is so very open and honest about her life and struggles which makes her very brave to me.
Cindy also complimented me one day and it stopped me in my tracks as I usually respond to compliments with sarcasm or self-deprecating remarks. This is what Cindy said, ” You are so gracious in your illness.” My mouth opened to make a quick retort and my mind took over and I said “Thank you, what a lovely thing to say.” That statement comes back to me over and over and the meaning of what she said does not lessen, it grows. Is there anything more lovely that someone could hear who struggles just to get out of the house and do something as simple as go for coffee and chat. Cindy has no problem coming over to pick me up, doesn’t mind when I have to cancel due to medication issues and understands that I’m good for 1 1/2 to 2 hours and then she brings me home.
Am I gracious in my illness? I believe that I have always tried to be as nobody in my family or friend circle had anything to do with my contracting Lyme. They have been there every step of the way watching me suffer during the years of bad doctors, then good doctors with medication that makes me sick as I try so hard to rid myself of as much of Lyme and it’s co-infections. They take me to appointments, they wait with me, they speak up for me, they comfort me, they understand when I don’t want company and when I just need it quiet as my mind is making enough noise on it’s own. My husband, Dave, my sister, Donna, and my oldest daughter, Amy are always giving their time to take me places. They, along with my friends, also just take me out to get out of the house! I know if I am in a bad place, I have learned to just say I am and that I don’t mean to be short with anyone, I just can’t put on an “act” at that moment. Otherwise, I like to smile and laugh and not let this disease become who I am. Yes, I talk about Lyme a lot and how I am feeling as Dave needs to know. I talk about it if friends ask. I post a lot on Facebook to Lyme groups but also on my home page as I am trying to get as much information out to the public as I can. When I apologize for not talking, Dave says that I do not need to apologize as I am the one going through the pain that he sees etched on my face. He says it is just hard to watch. I believe him as I don’t know how I would be if I had to watch someone I love go through this process!
So, whether I am gracious in my illness is in the eye of the beholder, I guess. I do know that Cindy’s comment has left an indelible imprint on my heart and I am happy to be able to recall those words when I need it. Thank you, Cindy.